As many of you know some time ago Mitch wrote TEN REASONS I HATE THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. While I applaud him for his brave stupidity I read the article and cannot let this go. After each of his reasons is my rebuttal.
1. Randal & Me Randal from "Clerks" is a kick ass dude. I want to be just like him. By choosing "Jedi" over "Empire" I become him. Now to work on my salsa shark technique.
Yes Randal is a "kick ass dude"! An amazingly kick ass dude that works a shitty job at a video store, hangs out all day in a convienance store, and has no girlfriends. Yes I would like to be more like him too. If only I lived in Jersey.
2. Hoth Hoth sucks! Snow sucks! I go to movies to escape reality, not to see my favorite heroes trudging around in a blizzard. Jesus! There are only two reasons it ever snows in movies: 1. Its Christmas. 2. Its Hoth!
Okay Mitch...you're bitching about snow. Fucking snow! It's not like you live on the equator down there. "Oh no there's snow in the movie! Oh my God!" What's next? You'll probably say you don't like Star Wars cuz you had a bad trip to Arizona. #2 is by far the worst argument against something I have ever read in my life.
3. Cliff Clavin Did you know the Incom T-47 Snowspeeder has a flight ceiling of 175 kilometers, a top speed of 1,000 kilometers per hour and a combat speed of 600 kilometers per hour?
Okay so maybe this one's worse than #2. What the fuck does that mean?
4. Boba Fett Look! Your bad-ass bounty hunter is wearing sneakers! And Kneepads! What's he gonna do, skateboard me to death? Claim your bounty or die, dude! Jango had a full set of mandalorian armor. What'd you do Boba? Sell half of it at a yard sale then knock off a a Payless Shoe Source?
I'm not sure if Mitch realizes this but the first 3 Star Wars movies were made before 1984. I teach kids born in '84. Do you remember what things in space movies looked like in '84? SHIT. That's why Lucas went back and made the "special edition". That and $ Yes I'll admit that Jango Fett sure as hell looks a million times better than Boba (thanks to digital technology) and so does everything else in the new ones! I mean really, like you can go back and watch those light-saber fights between Luke and Vader with the same awe.
5. Ugnaughts Ug!
Alright here's the deal with the Ugnaughts. For those who don't remember them they are the ugly little guys working in the furnace and carbon freezing areas in Cloud City. Every Star Wars film must have midgets in costumes. It's some fucking law I think. New Hope had the Jawas, Jedi had the Ewoks, and Empire had the Ugnaughts. Not to mention that R2 happens to have a little person (or half person as I like to call them) inside. I think Lucas' use of the Ugnaughts actually is much better than the Ewoks in Jedi. He uses them sparingly in those menial laborer roles. The Ewoks on the other hand....a bunch of overgrown beavers with opposable thumbs using sticks and stones just defeated the Imperial Fucking Army. Not just any old Army but, "An entire legion of my best troops!"-Emporer Palpatine. Excuse me, I have to go make a movie with Val Kilmer now.
6. The Cave Remember your failure in the cave George? Remember? The Force is magical. The Force is mystical. The Force can help you move stuff, shoot lightning from your fingers, or become a "Blue Glowie." The Force cannot produce a tactile Darth Vader complete with light-saber and Luke's head inside! George had a chance for young Skywalker to face off against the dark side and prove he is not ready to be a Jedi. George had a chance at one of the most powerful moments in cinema history, and blew it, big time with this Harry Potter garbage!
What's this Harry Potter thing I keep hearing about? And how do you know what the force can do? Maybe it can maybe it can't. Also see response to #2.
7. Incest I know she was just trying to get a rise out of Han. I know she didn't know he was her brother. But somehow she always knew, and it still freaks everybody out!
Mitch you live in Missouri. The only reason you're not commiting incest right now is because you don't have a sister.
8. Cloud Cars Filmstock is rare, and expensive. Filmstock should not be wasted on images of two brown turds chasing the Millenium Falcon around Cloud City. That's film that the world will never get back. I mean, I thought the uniforms in Star Trek: The Motion Picture were bad, but Cloud Cars win the Nobel Fugly Award for 1980.
After the first movie Lucas could afford all the filmstock he wanted. I happen to think the Cloud Cars are cool. Like those motorcycles with the little side cars on them and thanks to those Star Trek uniforms I now know what religion Leanord Nemoy is.
9. Obi-wan (or lack thereof) So, Old Ben is on screen for 3.8 seconds in the first act and 28.6 seconds in the second? No, no. That simply won't do. When he is on screen, he's just begging Yoda to train Lukey. "Train the Jedi baby, Pleeeze?" I want a special, special edition where the ghost of Darth Maul comes back and Obi halves him again. That would be Sweet!
Again I'm not sure what your point is here or why it makes Jedi better than Empire but here goes. He's dead! He was a Jedi master and when they die they get to hang around the living in the form of a "blue glowie" or whisper things in your ear like "use the force" and "trust your feelings" and if they so desire "please, please train the little shit". How about the fucking scene in Jedi? When Luke actually has a fucking conversation with him! Then there's the ending. Let's see...Obi wan died, Yoda died, I chopped off my Dad's artificial hand and he died, (oh the irony) now they are all blue glowie things staring at me. Why are they staring at me? STOP STARING AT ME!
10. Emperor who? Who the hell is that? That's not Ian McDiarmid! What's up with your eyes dude? By the way, that's a chick playing the emperor. OOOOHHHH!!!! I'm really scared, Mrs. Palpatine!!!!!!!!!
One more time for Mitch. 1980s technology sucked. Remember Alf? Or V the series? That lame shit all came after Star Wars and we thought it was great. No Ian McDiarmid is not in the movie. At least not in the credits but Jack Purvis is. That's right Jack Purvis the Chief Ugnaught listed ahead of all the Empirial Admirals and Rebel Commanders. Ug!