My wife and I ordered a pizza last night. I was cracking open a beer to go with the pizza and offered one to her, but she said that she preferred to drink milk with pizza. I was horrified. Who drinks milk with pizza? This is something that I think I had a right to know about before we walked down the isle.
Here?s a quick rule of thumb for you (check out the West Virginia Surf Report for a long list of humorous rules of thumb): If you are getting ready to leave your house in the morning to go to work and you look in the mirror and see zebra stripes anywhere on your clothing, change your outfit (unless you work at a strip club).
Have you ever had a friend or co-worker ask you to come to their house for a [insert name of stupid product here] party? They have them for the Pampered Chef, or Tupperware, or candles, or other bullshit. It is almost exclusively something that women do. This whole idea drives me crazy. The person throwing the party is trying to get the people invited to the party to buy as much crap as possible because they get a discount on products for each piece of crap they get their friends to buy. In some cases they even get a cash commission. So basically, they invite all of their friends, relatives, acquaintances, co-workers, and enemies over to show off all this crap and to try and get them to order shit out of the catalog. The dumbass people that go to the parties end up feeling guilty if they don?t order something, so they end up spending money on some shit that they don?t really want or need, just so they won?t feel? what? What would they feel if they didn?t buy something? Guilty because their host won?t get to buy as much shit at a discount? Guilty because their host won?t get as big of a commission check off of the stupid crap? How ridiculous is that? The host might as well knock on their door and beg for money, because in the end, that is all that is going on. They get some sympathy or charity sales and the products end up junking up a shelf at my house. My wife recently agreed to let herself get suckered into one of these deals at a neighbor?s house because she wanted to know what the inside of their house looked like. I went into this episode with open eyes: I knew there was no way in hell that she would come home without having bought something. We now have a brand new self-sharpening knife and cutting board. Wonderful.
If a lawyer named Steve Abercrombie and a lawyer named Joseph Fitch opened up a firm together, what would they call it?
Recently (today, in fact) I received $25 in the mail for completing a survey for a market research company. The strange thing is that they sent me the money in cash, a twenty dollar bill and a five dollar bill. It kind of made me nervous. You aren?t supposed to send cash in the mail, everyone knows that. I was a little afraid to keep the money. I held it up to the light and made sure that it was authentic and looked all through the letter and envelope to make sure that there wasn?t any funny business going on. There wasn?t, as far as I can tell. I still haven?t put it in my wallet with the rest of my money yet, I don?t want it to infect my good money with its mail-sent weirdness.
Three things that will always make me laugh:
1) ?Tricked out? Dodge Neons
2) Carl Spangler in Caddyshack (Bill Murray?s character)
Will someone please help me with a question: Who is dumber, the DC snipers or the authorities handling that case? First of all, did you read the text of the letter the snipers sent to the police? These guys were a couple of real Einsteins. First, the grammar was all fucked up and the spelling was at about a second grade level. Then, their whole idea was to get the government to put $10 million in a credit card account that they could access from an ATM anywhere in the world. The credit card was stolen from a woman and had already been reported as stolen and deactivated. Ok, so even if the government could have pulled the strings to get it re-activated and then put the cash in the account, didn?t they realize that the first time the card was put in a machine that the cops would be there in seconds? What kind of plan is that? They would basically be giving the authorities a global positioning system for them every time they used the card. On top of that, they boasted to the police about a crime they committed in Alabama, which ended up being the piece of the puzzle the police needed to figure out who they were. How dumb are you? The tip was during a call to the authorities when the called said ?You better take me seriously, just ask ?em down in Montgomery.? If they weren?t taking him seriously after he?d shot eleven people in the DC area, why did he think they would after finding out they?d shot two people in Montgomery, Alabama? Morons.
Unfortunately, the authorities needed all the help they could get from the snipers to be able to catch them. The sniper claims to have made six phone calls to the police in which he was hung up on. The police chased around phantom white vans for two weeks when all along they were in a burgundy Plymouth (or was it blue? The cops didn?t know, and now I got it mixed up too). Now comes the greatest bungling by the authorities in this case: the competition to see who gets to prosecute first. Virginia wants to prosecute first because they will be able to sentence the minor to death while the federal government and Maryland cannot. It would surprise me if Alabama had any qualms with sentencing a minor to death, but that hasn?t really come up. Maryland wants to try them first because the first shooting occurred there. The Feds already screwed up the investigation by barging in and prematurely ending an interrogation when the Maryland authorities believed that Mohammed was about to confess. He has since refused to cooperate. What the fuck? Get it together guys, you are letting two morons make you chase your tails around like idiots.
Whew! Ok, is anyone voting next week? Anyone know who is running? Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me?