Open Letter to Osama Bin Laden
11.15.02
Dear O.B.L.:
I have been granted authority by President Bush, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Congress, and the American
People to communicate with you regarding the bad feelings between our country and your group of
freedom fighters. We apologize. We were wrong and you were right. We know that we caused you
much grief and hardship and we only wish that we hadn?t put you through the rigors of funding,
planning, and ordering the air assault on New York and Washington that killed so many of our own
innocent people. We wish that we had realized our error earlier, instead of forcing you to take those
actions to show us our mistakes.
Please let us know exactly what you would have us do to make things right between us and we will
immediately go to any lengths. To begin this process, and to show you our sincerity, we will withdraw
all of our troops from the middle east, stopping and apologizing to everyone we meet on the way out
(except Israelis, who we will indiscriminately kill in your name). Additionally, we will send over to you
all of our nuclear weapons so that you will always hold the ultimate advantage over us. Finally,
President Bush will present himself to you at the place of your choosing for a public flogging by your
hand.
We have heard that your hand may have been damaged during the skirmishes in Afghanistan, we hope
that you are not permanently injured. We have George Lucas and his associates at the ready to create
a robotic replacement hand for you, much like Luke Skywalker had in Return of the Jedi. Just let us
know what you need, and we will provide it to you. Also, we have noticed that you are a relatively tall
man. Are you any good at basketball? The Denver Nuggets have shown quite a bit of interest in you as
a power forward for their NBA franchise. If sports isn?t really your thing, David Geffen has expressed
interest in signing you as a recording artist. It seems that he believes that you have a unique voice that
could be the next big thing, kind of like Ricky Martin a couple of years ago.
In conclusion, let me again apologize for the actions of our country over the last several decades in
abusing you, and the al Qaeda, and for basically being the capitalistic dogs that we are. Please accept
this olive branch that we are now offering to you. Let us know as soon as possible what we can do to
improve the relations between us. I am sure that we can live in harmony.
Sincerely,
John R. Granger
P.S. I changed my mind. Fuck you, you worthless cocksucker.