1.27.03 Wow, it's been a long time since I've written one of these.  Since last year, in fact.  I apologize for that.  Luckily Mitch and Metten have picked me up by providing a wealth of good content.  Christmas and New Year's have come and gone and we are almost at the end of January already.  Here are some random thoughts I've had over the past couple of months: How long do you think John Bender and Claire stayed together after the end of The Breakfast Club?  I'm betting it was less than a week.  He probably pawned that diamond earring to buy a bag of weed and she got all pissed and then when she wouldn't go down on him he got pissed at her and that was it.  Also, I'm betting Bender learned the answer to his immortal question of "How does one become a janitor."                                                                       ******************** I have an embarrassing confession to make: I enjoy the America's Funniest Home Video show.  And not just that show, but all the rip-offs of that show, too.  They have America's Funniest Animal Videos on The Animal Planet and all kinds of those stupid shows.  But I love them.  I find it extremely entertaining to watch people do stupid shit and/or get hurt on camera.  There isn't much funnier than a father pitching a whiffle ball to a little kid and the little kid hitting the dad in the balls with the bat.  True comedy.  Any time on one of those shows that they show a clip involving some kind of sports activity that utilizes a ball, you know one of two things will happen: 1) the ball will end up smashing the camera; or 2) somebody's getting hit in the balls.  It's a simple equation.  Personally I enjoy the dad's getting racked over the camera getting smashed.  [Note to self: when I have kids, invest in a protective cup before teaching children sports that involve balls]. So anyway, I was watching one of these types of shows the other day, I think it was like America's Funniest Accidents That Look Extremely Painful But Didn't Result in Any Permanent Damage.  It was a good one.  My favorite clip of the whole show involved a man and a horse (get you damn head out of the gutter, it wasn't pornography).  The guy was getting ready to brand this horse on it's backside, but neglected to think that the horse might get upset at this.  Well, as soon as the red-hot iron was pressed to the horse's flesh, it kicked backwards with its hind leg and caught the guy right in the chest, knocking him backwards about six feet.  It was wonderful.  That moron got exactly what he deserved.  Especially since he was videotaping it.  What the hell?  Did he want to be able to show off his animal torturing to his friends?                                                                         ******************** What else?  Oh yeah, Martha Stewart.  My favorite celebrity.  She was quoted the other day saying that the SEC's investigation of her was "weird."  Yeah, that's what I thought, too.  It was weird how they so easily put two and two together that you dumped a shitload of stock just before the company announced that it's product was worthless.  Weird indeed.  The SEC used common sense, how strange.                                                                         ********************* Somebody tell the Osbournes that they've got about two minutes... oh, wait, my watch was slow, their fifteen minutes are done.                                                                         ********************* People that dress their cats or dogs up like humans frighten me.                                                                         ********************* I finally got around to watching The Lord of the Rings the other day.  Actually I only watched about one third of it, I just didn't have time for the other six hours.  Anyway, I thought the story was ok and the special effects were great and the scenery, blah, blah, blah.  Here's the thing, though: there is no way that any movie studio should have ever let that freaky looking kid play the lead role.  I have never been big into Tolkien, so maybe I just didn't realize that the main character of those stories was an incredibly huge dork.  What the hell were they thinking?  I seriously don't think I could watch that whole movie, just because that kid is in the whole thing.  I would want to join forces with that evil-eye thing just so I could get a chance to wack that kid.                                                                          ********************** I bet Nicolas Cage just married Lisa Marie Presley so he could get the inside scoop on Michael Jackson.  That's why their marriage was so short.  All he wanted was to hear the truth: Mike got rid of his male genitalia years ago, then he dumped her.  I wonder if he got to have sex with her at Graceland?