The State of the State of the Union Address
Welcome to my second annual review of the President's State of the Union address. For a format this year, I am stealing a bit from one of my favorite
internet writers, Bill Simmons of ESPN.com. So, without any further ado, here is my 2005 State of the Union blow-by-blow:
8:00pm - Coverage begins! I'm watching the speech on ABC solely because "Lost" was on during the previous hour. Could "Lost" be a metaphor for
President Bush? Well, a cynical person might say that, but I won't. They start coverage off by showing the first lady taking her seat - she's flanked by Iraqi
and Afghanese (?) citizens that have recently voted for the first time in their lives. I'm not sure but I think they picked the ugliest women possible to sit next
to Laura Bush so that she'd look better. What are the odds that they are trying to have her put a word in for them with the immigration department?
8:04pm - ABC's host is Peter Jennings. He's a classic, but I think he's always been third string behind Brokaw and Rather. He's now saying that Bush is
going to announce a new initiative that is to be led by Laura Bush. Why is it that the first lady always gets some important job in the administration? I
mean, say that Bush is qualified for his job (just pretend), why does that mean his wife is qualified for public service? That would be like Bill Belichek
(head coach of the New England Patriots) naming his wife as quarterbacks coach.
8:05pm - Bush is announced by the Sergeant at Arms and enters.
8:09pm - It took Bush 10 seconds into his speech to reference the Iraqi elections. I guess it's no surprise, the elections were a success and Bush hasn't
seen many of those in Iraq lately. I would expect that we might hear a lot about the Iraqi elections tonight. He'll probably mention it immediately after
every other topic, like: "Here's my plan for Social Security, but don't forget the Iraqi elections..."
8:11pm - "The state of the union is confident and strong." Ok, thank you, good night.
8:13pm - Unfortunately, there is more. They just showed John McCain, who looked like he was having a flashback to being tortured in Viet Nam.
Somebody help that man, he's in pain!
8:16pm - Bush is talking about making budget cuts and says that we need to cut things that aren't "essential priorities." The camera cuts to John Kerry,
who is applauding. I've got to believe that Kerry wasn't paying attention at all and just started clapping because there was a pause in the speech. This
must be the hardest thing for the Democrats, because they actually have to listen to what Bush is saying so they'll know when to applaud. The Republicans
have the luxury of just applauding any time there is a pause. I bet that the Democrats assign one person to really listen closely to what Bush is saying and
the others just look to that person if their mind wanders. That job would suck.
8:20pm - Bush just said Nuke-U-Ler six times in the span of 30 seconds. No, wait, maybe that was me going back with TiVo to hear him do it over and
over. For some reason it always gives me a chuckle that the most powerful person in the world can't pronounce the most powerful weapon in the world.
8:21pm - Are the military guys not allowed to stand and applaud? Is there an etiquette book for The State of the Union Address?
8:22pm - They just showed Hillary Clinton, she looks like she's about to pass out again. I'm guessing that she's not the Democrat assigned to listen really
closely.
8:28pm - Dick Cheney is openly looking around the room from behind Bush. Whoa, now he's making hand signals to the secret service to pick a groupie
out to bring back to his hotel room later, like he is Bret Michaels or something.
8:33pm - Bush is talking about Social Security now and how younger workers deserve to get a "personal retirement account." My wife and I went to see
an investment adviser a week or so ago and the guy was completely insane. He told us that our country is going to go through a depression between 2008
and 2010 that will include famine, pestilence, and a civil war between the old and the young. Personally, I think the young have to be the favorites in that
one - the old may have the benefit of experience, but I've got to believe that mobility, eyesight, and being able to remember where you parked the tank are
essential for war. By the way, we didn't invest any money with that guy, in case you were wondering.
8:36pm - They just showed Orrin Hatch - I'm 97% sure that he was completely asleep.
8:38pm - Bush just finished a sentence about the legal system by saying "...not legislate from the bench." He then winked at Supreme Court Justice Breyer,
who is seated in the front row. This is easily the strangest moment of the night (aside from Cheney picking out groupies).
8:42pm - Bush makes his first mention of the 9/11 attacks. This has to be the upset of the evening. Oddsmakers are going to make a killing on the under
of how many times he mentions 9/11, or am I the only one that bets on the State of the Union?
8:44pm - "Nuke-U-Ler."
8:51pm - "Nuke-U-Ler." Bush really has a problem with this word. At this point, so much has been made about his pronunciation that he really can't go
back and start saying it the right way or else he'll be lambasted again for it. It's a no win situation now. He probably thinks it makes him sound like a
common man, or something. Only if by common you mean stupid.
8:52pm - To the people of Iran: "...as you stand for your own liberty, America stands with you." And soon, we will have soldiers standing on all of your
street corners.
9:00pm - Bush's hair looks green. I think I'm burning out on this.
9:06pm - Mercifully, it's over.
I think I learned a valuable lesson. It's a lot easier to be funny when you've got better material to start with. Bill Simmons does this bit with the NBA draft,
while I pick the State of the Union? Well, maybe there are more parallels than you might think. Both have goofy, grey haired guys that do all the talking
(George Bush vs. David Stern); both have commentators with catchphrases (Hubie Brown: Upside! vs. Dan Rather: National Guard Records!); and both
get extremely boring about halfway through.
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