ADVICE COLUMNS SUCK
	3.24.03 Hey guys.  Some of you have sent me questions like, "Where do you find this crap?"  The answer is pretty simple.  I go to google and search for "Advice Columns"  Then I read them until I find one.  This week I ran into a problem.  I went to Google and typed in "Advice Columns" and guess what came up first?  That's right...my own column.  It was at that point that I decided that this gimmick has probably been sufficiently run into the ground.  That plus the fact that my editor has quit reading the column all together (He allowed me drunkenly refer to the great legend of aviation, Charles Lindbergh, as "Charlie Limberg"). So it is with relatively little regret that I announce that this will be the last "Advice Columns Suck."  I decided that if this one was going to be the last one, I had to find a couple of real morons.  This time I typed in "Dirty Advice Articles".  I had to jump a few thousand suggestions to get past "How to Clean Your House"  articles, but I found one; nestled beautifully between "Magazine Articles" and "Travel With a Toddler", I found "Ex-Sex,Dirty Talk,and More...sex advice Listen to Dr. Patti Oral Sex. ... "  I figured that she had the credentials to get some halfway intelligent advice-seekers, and with a name like Dr. Patti Oral Sex, how could you go wrong (Her actual name is Dr. Patti Britton and she is a real doctor, so don't make fun of her!!!)?  Here's the best(and last)one from the site: I've talked to my wife about having a threesome. If we both agree, is it cheating? Jim I suppose it depends on the definition of "cheating." If by "cheating" you mean becoming sexually involved with someone without your partner's knowledge or permission, then no, I guess a threesome with your wife (when all parties are willing) wouldn't technically be cheating.  That is, if your wife agrees and even participates, well -- perhaps one way to look at it is that you've changed the "rules" in your marriage, at least temporarily, to "allow" behavior that might otherwise be considered cheating. I guess an analogous situation in poker might be planning a game in which each player may slip in an extra ace if desired. Now, if your definition of "cheating" is "adultery," or sex with someone other than your spouse (regardless of whether your spouse agrees or not, much less joins in), then a threesome might well be considered cheating. Another issue may be how such activity relates to the content of your marriage vows and your (and your wife's) religious and spiritual beliefs. If the two of you decide to amend or change your original vows or "rules," then I suppose that's your business -- and the business of anyone you might subsequently become sexually involved with. I do caution you, however, to be very clear and very certain that BOTH you and your wife are eager to make any such changes. Sometimes a spouse reluctantly agrees to engage in new sexual behavior for fear of losing the partner, and sooner or later comes to regret and resent the activity -- even to feel in retrospectively that he or she was manipulated or pulled into it. And that, of course, is bad news for the marriage Why the hell would anyone even bother asking this question to another person? "Excuse me, Ms. Manners?  I was considering stealing $100 from my friend.  Then the same friend handed me $100.  Is this still stealing?"  No, you retard, it is not stealing.   Having sex with a person while they are right there having sex with you and another person is not cheating.  not in any sense of the word, Dr. Oral Sex. Then Dr. Oral Sex feels compelled to condescend to this guy by defining cheating, "Well, using the Greek origin of the word, you are allowed to jam a rubber hose up a hooker's buttocks three times before it is considered cheating."  Listen lady, you made it very clear that you hold a PhD, there is no reason to define "cheating" 50 different ways.  The answer to the question is "no" any way you slice it.  It?s just too bad that some degree-granting institution decided to give you a doctorate in "hosting a website designed to sell old ladies cold cream." Here's the probable course of events that led to this man sending this question to this quack of an oral sex doctor: 1) Man marries hot chic 2) Hot chick immediately gets fat and ugly 3) Man decides only way to get properly laid without losing half his shit is to convince fat ugly wife to engage in a threesome with new hot chick 4) Fat ugly wife refuses on the grounds that "while she is sexually adventurous, a threesome is in conflict with our wedding vows" 5) Man composes stupid question to alleged sex doctor in attempt to convince fat ugly wife. Dude, just bite the bullet and call a good divorce lawyer so you can get it over with and get on the hot chick - it will only cost you half your shit. Okay guys, that's all I got.  I'm sure I'll hang around at Sex Stone in some capacity (I am a Class "B" member of the company, you know, even going so far as to probably fight to get a new column with a new format.  So maybe look for that in the future.  Thanks for reading and thanks for all the positive feedback. I really appreciate it. Love, Metten
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