Hey Kids. You had to know that I wouldn't be gone for too long. Here's where the new gimmick came from and how it works. Basically, I am very blessed in life; I have a place to live and food to eat, and a family who loves me and all that bullshit. I am also very cursed. Ever wake up with a song in your head? Me too. Every goddamned day of my cursed life. I am convinced that my affliction is not like regular people..They wake up with a song in their head and get in the car to go to work, turn on the radio and the song is usually gone. It is definitely gone by lunch. Not me pal, not by a longshot. I have it when I wake up, and it doesn't go away until I wake up with another one. I have absolutely no control over it and my curse has a horrible taste in music. Every once and a while I lose it and throw something or start cursing at the top of my lungs like a REAL crazy person, which forces me to have to quickly explain to my boss that I was not cursing at them, I was cursing at Lionel Richie for mandating that I "Dance on the Ceiling". This morning, when I was telling a coworker how happy I was to hear that Warren Zevon was dead so that maybe I wouldn't wake up with that goddamned Warewolves of London song in my head, I noticed I had said the phrase "And for No apparent Reason" about 50 times. I then had a microscpoic epiphany, a McEiphany, if you will...,"I bet if you go to Google and search for "And for No Apparent Reason" You'll find some funny shit. I did and I did and the rest is history. Every week I'll choose a different phrase and search through the millions of hits and provide the funniest. Let me know what you think, my goddamned e-mail address is all over this site. Now you know the back story, thank was(not was) that it is over..Now let's walk the dinosaur together:
No other reason except it contains most of the phrase and it is funny.
2) Bizarre Roommate
Dear Jenny,
I desperately need to get out of my house. I live with the weirdest guy in the entire world. He has piercings and tattoos and walks around the house all day naked, but that's not all. He also makes up words and runs through the house (naked of course) screaming them. Sometimes late at night I can hear him speaking in tongues and it scares me. His psychotic behavior has already rubbed off on his girlfriend, who is pregnant, as well as me. Jenny, I felt strangely compelled to get a tattoo and I got my tongue pierced and for NO APPARENT REASON, I was just thinking of the word "hooskie". I can't just leave because I really can't afford to live on my own, and they're really good people in their own confused way. Jenny, I need your help.
Karen
Dear Karen, I'm so glad you wrote. I was wondering what ever happened to my ex-husband.
I am out of this business. This makes me feel like I got out prematurely - somebody take up the cause!!!! Oh well, that bitch is cancelled and Karen is stupid - whatever - I thought you might think it was funny
3)One day, during a family holiday to the island, when they were bunking over at this friend's apartment, for no apparent reason, this aforementioned girl, aged eleven, possibly in the early stages of dealing with PMS, grabbed hold of her father's belt and for no apparent reason [yes, you have said that], well for absolutely no bloody freaking apparent reason, she began to hit Pang blow after blow after blow, amidst screaming and yelling and variously bemused parents. Shocking, huh? Well, that wasn't the painful part. The really painful part was the cast-iron belt buckle. The word 'crush' took on a new meaning for Pang. http://www.mir.com.my/rb/photography/portfolio/pang/labour_pangs.htm
I am so glad that this phrase birthed us a little girl punching a grown man in testicles. A further plus is that is was a man named PANG who refers to himsdelf in the third person. You can talk all you want about glass ceilings, but do you ever hear of an 11 year old boy punching a woman in the labia?
3)A YOUNG man who grabbed another man by the hair and started punching and kicking him for no apparent reason had a case against him adjourned, pending a probation officer's report, at Carlow District Court...Judge Mary Martin...instructed him to write an essay entitled "I am a thug and a drunk.?
I included this one because I think random violence without explanation is funny, besides, the judge I had was nowhere near this cool.
4) The getaway - THE best hangover, bar none. You still feel slightly pissed, but for some reason have loads of energy, and know your going to get away without being ill all day. Happens rarely, and for no apparent reason. http://www.philsweeney.com/pissed/hangover.html
I ran out of Alka-Seltzer's Morning After Tablets on Wednesday. Some may say that they're only caffeine and aspirin. I say, yeah that's true, but fucking try them, it actually works. Anyway, if anyone can help you over a hangover, its some random British guy, or Austrailian. Okay Fine!!! I actually didn't read much of it. You should though, and for no apparent reason.
5)Two French tourists who were savagely attacked on a Plettenberg Bay beach on Christmas Day, have vowed not to let their ordeal affect their opinion of South Africa...when three young men came along and for no apparent reason started arming themselves with rocks.The men proceeded to drop rocks on their heads for about 20 minutes while they tried to reason with them in their shocked and bewildered state...Despite having to endure brain surgery, Mr Fedigan, who is originally from Ireland, said: "There was no reason for us to believe that this would be waiting. It was not a pleasant experience but we do not harbour any negative feelings toward South Africa." http://www.dispatch.co.za/2001/12/31/easterncape/COUPLE.HTM
Again, random violence. The politeness of the tourists reminds me of Eric Idle in European Vacation.
That's all for this week. Hope you like the new format, or not, whatever is cool with you.