4.28.03
I've been feeling really hypochondriaic (I think I just invented another word)lately. I'm not sure if its the drinking or the
smoking, or the illicit sex with any willing gender or species, or the constant needle sharing, or maybe I'm just getting
older. Whatever. I keep thinking I'm going to die soon and I'm trying to prepare. Why am I doing this? For no fucking
apparent reason... Now its time to drag you poor bastards down to my level. This week's fun search engine phrase is:
"And he would've wanted it that way" Hope you like it:
1) Of course, I've made Stephanie promise that, when I die, our home will be torn down and replaced with a 40-foot
high statue of me with a gift shop underneath. I want my legacy to be "Mark is dead" postcards, key chains, and
snow-globe paperweights. The monument's slogan would be "He Would Have Wanted It This Way." I'm sure Stephanie
will follow through on this.
http://www.wentzmania.com/lifegem0224.html
Okay, this guy reminds me of half of Jeff Kay (of www.thewvsr.com fame) The half that he reminds me of is the ability to
spot people and products that are funny. Jeff Kay's "The Mountain" alone can get you through a work week. The half that old
Mark is missing is the part about being funny. I still haven't found my balls after I laughed them off during my first reading of
The West Virginia Surf Report. Old Mark just made me sad - Check out his "Diamond Dave" joke. blech! Anyway, Mark
brought up a good point...What do I want Kat to do after I'm gone? Take the insurance money and fuck off. I only vowed "As
long as we both shall live". When I go to heaven. I'm screwing around.
2) "I know he would have wanted it this way and would not want me to give up," she said of Fassi, who also coached
Peggy Fleming, Dorothy Hamill, John Curry and Robin Cousins to Olympic gold.
http://www.canoe.ca/SlamNaganoFigureSkatingArchive/feb9_coa.html
Did I mention that I hate figure skating? Probably not yet today, I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT FIGURE
SKATING!!!! With that out of the way, this one is by far the most common use of this phrase. People use it so they don't
have to mourn the loss of whomever died. Let me tell you something - when somebody dies, they quit giving a shit about how
well you are able to spin a blade on ice. It suddenly becomes very important to justify stealing the youth of a couple of dozen
little girls. Either that or they're just dead. Whatever. Fuck it.
3) My grandmother recently passed away this spring and I the "photographer" in the family felt I should record the event
for the future.
http://www.photo.net/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg?msg_id=000u2o
This is a bunch of photographers debating whether or not photography is acceptable at a funeral. They might as well have been
debating the reinstitution of slavery for how stupid it was. If I want to see my fat(ter), dead, bloated corpse, I'll get up and
look in the mirror thanks. It does make me wonder how funeral home makeup artists get new jobs. I wonder if my
Great-grandma Alice's dead-weird-orange-makeupeed-face is on some guy's resume somewhere. Creepy.
4) Okay, the link is gone on this one but I had to share it...PENIS ENLARGEMENT PILLS! Grow your penis bigger
with these!... He would have wanted it this way, don't you think, Amy?" In Part Ten, the conclusion of THE
MORTGAGE, Amy performs well for her new boss, Ms. Baines. ...
www.thevelvetplayground.com/titles/ Mortgage_%5BThe%5D_09.html - 16k
What?!? Were they growing this guy's penis post-mordem? And why would he have wanted it that way? The guy's dead.
This guy's will..."And Amy - I have tried all my life to grow my penis and nothing has worked. I want you to keep trying to
make my penis bigger and longer and more throbbing after I'm gone."
I give up. I've decided not to die after all. Mostly because it sucks. Also because my wife says after I work off a new house,
a couple of new cars, and the kids' education, I can work off a Big screen! See you next week.
Love,
Metten