| ADVICE COLUMNS SUCK |
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| I'd Like Him Except He's So Annoying! There is this guy in my new class who is driving me nuts! He shows off constantly and says 'you love it and you know it' to me all the time. He's cute but sooo annoying. How can I get him to cool it and act "normal"? Maybe then I'd like him. - Eula, 13 "Hey, Eula!'" Great name! First of all, boys are annoying a lot of the time - I understand that! And it really is hard because you can't change a person all by yourself; they have to want to change. Which brings me to your situation. If you want this guy to act "normally" or at least stop showing off, while you can talk to him (kindly, remember!) and explain how you feel about his showing off, ultimately, he has to make the decision to change, and quite frankly, by the sound of it, he may not want to. Secondly, you say that he's cute and if he'd act differently "maybe you'd like him." Why do you want to like this guy? Just for the sake of liking one? Remember, you're an awesome girl without a boy; even without thinking about a boy! Instead of worrying about who you'd like to crush on or go out with, focus on making yourself a better person. After all, it's the inside that counts. Happy trails! Johanna, 15, Illinois Dear Jomoronohanna: Who the hell is letting 15 year olds give advice to people with real problems? Do you idiots know what the teenage suicide rates in this country are? (8.8 deaths per 1000 according to 1996 figures compiled by the Fordham Institute.) That's just what we need, a 15 year old girl named Johanna with her finger on the button. My second week and I have to yell at editors already. I wonder what their criteria was for selecting advice columnists. "Who ever has the most glitter in their eyeshadow gets the job."? Oh man, I'm pissed. Now on to you Johanna (nice name - I wonder when you find time to get out of your parents' Land Rover long enough to write your 'advice') Since you are a fully qualified advice columnist I'm sure you consulted a professional. I am further sure that the professional told you that even our most distant male humanoid ancestors would attempt what they (often erroneously) considered to be impressive deeds or gestures in an effort to coerce females into having sexual intercourse. Many believe the original reason for this occurance was to help the human race grow and prosper. The professional most certainly would have elaborated to say that the human race has indeed grown and prospered, so the need for frequent intercourse has diminished. The correct advice for Eula (what a dumb name, no wonder the kid picks on her) would have been for her to simply explain to "this guy" that she had consulted you and now realizes his primordial need to "show off his junk." Further, Eula should have been instructed to explain to "this guy" that she does, in fact, find him cute and his charade is no longer necessary as she may or may not be willing to engage in some sort of procreatial activity as soon as she becomes a legal and consenting adult, and that he may now "pull up his pants." My advice for you Johanna? Go to High school, go to a respected four year University, go to another respected University for a Masters, find yet another respected University and get a doctorate. Then (and only then) may you give advice to fragile teenage girls...dumbass. Love, Metten |
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