Man, oh man, do I enjoy a good laugh.  During this holiday season, the laughs are few and far between.  All the stupid running around, fighting crowds of other miserable assholes, spending money you don?t have just to appease some punk nephew who doesn?t like you anyway.  It totally sucks and it has me feeling pretty crappy.  I thought I?d turn us all to our good friend the Internet and the funniest stuff it has to offer with the phrase, ?The funniest thing I ever saw?:

 

They [sic] day before the picnic, they came out to the grove with a hundred fifty feet of rubber garden hose. They put one end of it through a knothole into the ladies outhouse, right below the holes. Then they rolled the hose out and ran the other end of it out to the shade tree where we were standing...At long last, two gals came out and two more went in with nobody waiting behind them. Someone said "now"?He said something like "Aw, come on ladies, I'm trying to finish painting down here, and you ladies got your butts covering up the holes. You're shutting out all the light"?A moment went by, another moment, then BANG, the outhouse door came flying open and these two women came out with their dresses part way up, and trying to pull up their panties while at the same time galloping off at top speed. I thought I would die laughing. I did not expect that, and it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my young life.  http:/www.21c-online.com/2001-Williams-7.htm

·         Everything is relative, but to be honest with you ? Any story in my mind that involves a guy and his three dozen drunken uncles, a knothole, an outhouse full of girls and 150 feet of rubber garden hose would have been a lot funnier, or dirtier.  Oh well.

The funniest thing I ever saw with my own eyes was when a PADI instructor asked a class in the pool to practice alternate air breathing. One student reached back for his octo and began breathing on it himself. That was my first clue that I probably should go back to NAUI. [No offense, Aaron. I know you are active PADI cross certified from NAUI.] http://diver.net/bbs/messages4/35525.shtml

·         HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh sweet Jesus that was funny!  Breathing on his own octo?HIMSELF!!!  You never know what those crazy PADI?s are going to do next.  Perhaps practice alternate breathing without an octo at all?!?!  And the zinger thrown Aaron?s way was classic.  I mean, with him being cross-certified from NAUI, you know he had to be torn.  His NAUI side probably thought that was pretty funny, but his PADI side must have been fuming.  It?s funny on at least two levels!!! Anybody know anything about SCUBA diving?  Yeah, me neither.

One day I went to my grandma's house. Her house is big, brown, and pretty. My sister Haley, my mom Pam, and my dad Steve also went.  When we went to the restaurant, Coco's, we all had spaghetti. Then my sister sucked up a yellow, slimy noodle. When she sucked it, the other side went in her nose.  She said, "Mommy, Mommy, a noodle is in my nose!" My mom said, "Blow your nose."

"Ok then," said my sister.

"Blow, and blow your nose," said my mom.  Then the noodle came out and landed in an old lady's dinner. It was spaghetti, too. The lady got a spoon and dipped the spoon in the spaghetti. The noodle that was in my sister's nose was now on the spoon.  The old lady took a bite. She didn't even say a thing. That was the funniest thing I ever saw. http://www.murrieta.k12.ca.us/alta/grade4/2003/taylorc/funny.html

·         Okay, this is a fourth-grader named Taylor ? and she?s a cool girl.  Not cool in the guitar-playing-stuff-breaking-spitting-smoking-everclear guzzling-absolute-kick-ass way that girls can be cool, but in the I-am-10-and-I-watched-an-old-lady-eat-a-noodle-that-had-been-up-my-sister?s-nose kind of cool.  I, for one, am glad that she thought enough of us to share.  Mitchell, for another, is on his way to Murrieta, CA with a carton of eggs.  Why would I put an inside joke like that one in my column?  Either because I can or for no apparent reason, you tell me.  I am curious, Taylor, Haley, Pam and Steve ? just who taught Haley how to eat spaghetti anyway?

 

I guess the Internet didn?t feel all that much like being funny today.  It did, however, cause me to wonder what the funniest thing I had ever seen was.  I decided it had to be seen in person.  Otherwise, that Olympic boxing match where the ref accidentally got knocked out would win in a landslide.  I would have to say that it is a tie between the time I saw a dwarf making out with a morbidly obese woman in New Orleans and the time I saw two turtles having sex at the Kansas City Zoo.  The shells were clicking together and the one turtle kept opening its mouth as if to say, ?Oh Yeah!?  But that?s another story for another time?How about you guys?  Seen anything funny lately?  Talk to you next time.