And For No Apparent Reason
	2.11.05
		Nothing says “work” more than the rapid clicking of the keyboard.  Nobody can accuse you of not working when you bash the keyboard at high speed.  I hit the keys harder when at work so that everybody in the cube farm can hear just how hard I am working. That’s the number one way that I get by without doing much.  Usually I’m working on my not-a-blog or some other writing endeavor, or sending random e-mails to strangers, such as this one: To: princess@yahoo.com From: metten Subject:  Holy crap! Message:  Hi!  I’m metten in Kansas City.  I was just curious…what year did you set up this yahoo account?  I’d imagine that it must have been a long time ago considering all the princess189763’s I encounter in my internet travels.  Are you now an old princess?  I have so many questions for you, the original princess@yahoo.com.  I would really appreciate any information you are willing to share in regard to this matter.  Thank you and I look forward to your reply. I realize that it’s the internet equivalent of dialing 867-5309 and asking for Jenny, but despite how juvenile and childish the whole thing is, it’s just too funny to stop.  And all the while the keys are clicking as though I am composing some imperative report.  If you’re curious, princess hasn’t responded yet, and she probably won’t. However, this got me thinking, (especially after Granger suggested the phrase might produce some funny stuff) “What is everybody else doing instead of working?” And so it was done…today’s phrase is “Pretending to work”.  Enjoy: How to pretend ? here are some tips : •        BE A CONSULTANT ON A TEAM If you can't be a manager, the next best way to avoid real work is to be an "adviser" to people who are doing the real work. Sounds familiar ? That's what your mentors are doing to you, IDIOTS! •        COMPLAIN CONSTANTLY ABOUT YOUR WORKLOAD Take every opportunity to complain the unreasonable demands that are being placed on you. Reinforce your message during every interaction with a co-worker or manager. Over time, these messages will work themselves into the subconcious of everybody around you and they will come to think of you as a hard worker without ever seeing a scrap of physical evidence to support the theory. •        ARRIVAL AND DEPARTURE AT MEETING Come to the meeting late and leave early. This leaves the impression that you are are so busy you can't do everything. The first part of a meeting is useless and the last part of a meeting is when the assignments are handed out. That is wasted time for a busy person such as yourself. http://www.angelfire.com/hi3/pearly/humor/work-pretend.html         “Pearly”, or whatever this person calls themselves, is really interested in humor. S/he has Dubya humor, conservative humor, a humor directory, os humor, humorous quotes, Eric’s computer humor, Omri’s computer humor, humor links, and something called “the laughter dome”.  Unfortunately, as evidenced by the excerpt above, humor is defined as ranting about the idiots that s/he works with instead of actual jokes that make people laugh. http://www.cmaawushu.com/photos/alanbeijing2/imagepages/image5.htm         This is a photo captioned “The guys pretending to work”.  Where do these people work?  What do they do?  It looks to me like a group of random people in a Chinese restaurant gathered around gaping at something.  They look like sixth graders crowding around the cool kid that had somehow procured a Playboy.  I don’t know about you guys, but I pretend to work at a desk.  Far, far away from unidentifiable food served in modest white dishes. I am lately driving to work. Plugging the meters with quarters. I buy quarters like people buy candy. I walk out every two hours counting out four: one hour. Count out four: two hours. Exhausted from early yoga, from pretending to work all day, from working too hard that night, the short drive home turned into a long drive along the water. The same song repeating, that same song the only song played all week. Too tired to be anything but bedded and sleeping. Slept ten hours. Driving the mile or two to work, down the hill, left, then up over the hill and down again. I covet the rides bikers have and covet the narrow shouldered bikes they ride. I believe if I owned one of those bikes I would look ten pounds less--like those chiseled commuters, their skin taut so you can see the muscles gnawing inside their calves… http://www.rapt.org/UFS/01/aug/aug17.html         And it goes on like this.  Forever.  And ever.  And ever.  And ever.  I really do consider myself something of a writer and can appreciate someone taking the time to put something nice together (unlike the drivel you’re currently reading) – but damn!  It’s a freaking blog for crying out loud.  I don’t need symbolism and metaphor.  “I’m depressed and work sucks”.  It’s that easy.  No need to sit up all night with your thesaurus. Okay, I’m spent.  To tell you guys the truth, I think the horse that is the “And For No Apparent Reason” format has just about been beaten to death.  While it has had a good run, I think perhaps it’s time to do something new.  Got any ideas?   Please drop me a line if you have something in particular you’d like to see.  Otherwise, I’ll talk to you guys later.  Thanks for hanging out. metten
			MASTER INDEX Advice Columns Suck Archives Baseball Because I Can Betting Pool Fat Guys Get Naked Too Fiction The Gogs Guest Article Mitch's Multi-Monthly Meanderings Mixed Bag The Professor Sex Stone