Mitchell's Multi-Monthly Meanderings
		For four years people have been bashing the Star Wars prequels.  I always wind up defending them.   I?m through with that and now I?m turning the tables.  This week?s column goes out to everyone who has ever bashed Jar-Jar Binks. TEN REASONS I HATE THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK 1. Randal and Me Randal from Clerks is an awesome dude.  I would like to be more like him.  By choosing Jedi over Empire, I become him.  Now to work on my salsa shark technique.  (By the way George, it wasn?t Jay and Silent Bob that were worried about the contractors on the second Death Star.) 2. Hoth Hoth sucks!  Snow sucks!  I go to movies to get away from the things I hate, not watch my favorite heroes trudging around in a blizzard.  JESUS!  There are only two reasons it ever snows in the movies:   1. Its Christmas.  2. Its Hoth 3. Cliff Clavin Did you know that the Incom T-47 Snowspeeder has a length of  5.3 meters, a flight ceiling of 175 kilometers and a top speed of 1,000 kilometers per hour? 4. Boba Fett Look!  Your bad-ass bounty hunter is wearing sneakers!  And Kneepads!  What?s he gonna do?   Skateboard me to death?  Claim your bounty or die, dude!  Jango had a full set of Mandalorian armor.   What?d you do Boba?  Sell half of it at a yard sale then knock off a Payless Shoe Source? 5. Ugnaughts Ug! 6. The Cave Remember your failure at the cave, George?  Remember?  The Force is magical.  The Force is mystical.  The force can help you move stuff, shoot lightning from your fingers or transcend into a ?blue glowie.?   The Force cannot produce a tactile Darth Vader, complete with lightsaber and Luke?s head on the inside!  George had a chance for young Skywalker to face off against the darkside and prove he is not ready to become a Jedi.  George had a chance at one of the greatest moments in cinema history but blew it with this Harry Potter garbage! 7. Incest I know she was just trying to make Han jealous.  I know she didn?t know he was her brother.  But somehow she always knew, and certainly George knew, and it still creeps everybody out! 8. Cloud Cars 35mm movie film is expensive and rare.   It should not be wasted.  Well, George wasted several feet of film on two brown turds chasing the Millennium Falcon around Cloud City.  That?s film the world will never get back.  I mean, I thought the uniforms in Star Trek: The Motion Picture were bad.  But Cloud Cars win the Nobel Fugly award for 1980. 9. Obi-Wan (or lack thereof) So, Old Ben is on screen for 3.8 seconds in the first act and 28.6 in the second?  No no.  That simply won?t do.  When he is onscreen he?s just begging Yoda to train Lukey.  ?Train the Jedi, baby!   Pleeeeze??  I want a special, special edition where Darth Maul comes back and Obi halves him again!   That would be Sweet! 10. Emperor who? Who the hell is that?  That?s not Ian McDiarmid!  What?s up with your eyes dude?  By the way that?s a woman playing the Emperor!  OOOOHHHHH?? I?m SOOOOOOOOO scared!  MRS. PALPATINE!
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