Hey Kids. Mitchell here. Due to popular demand I have written an Advice Columns Suck based on the Jenny Jones column which revealed itself to the Jedi in the first ?And for No Apparent Reason.? Enjoy.
2) Bizarre Roommate
Dear Jenny,
I desperately need to get out of my house. I live with the weirdest guy in the entire world. He has piercings and tattoos and walks around the house all day naked, but that's not all. He also makes up words and runs through the house (naked of course) screaming them. Sometimes late at night I can hear him speaking in tongues and it scares me. His psychotic behavior has already rubbed off on his girlfriend, who is pregnant, as well as me. Jenny, I felt strangely compelled to get a tattoo and I got my tongue pierced and for NO APPARENT REASON, I was just thinking of the word "hooskie". I can't just leave because I really can't afford to live on my own, and they're really good people in their own confused way. Jenny, I need your help.
Karen
Dear Karen, I'm so glad you wrote. I was wondering what ever happened to my ex-husband.
I?ll start with Karen. You are correct. You need to get out of your house, but not because of your roommate. You are the one with major issues, dear. You made no mention of the fact that he doesn?t do his share of the chores or won?t pay the bills, or anything a normal, sane person might think constitutes a bad roommate. No, your judgmental ass starts by telling us this weirdo has tattoos and piercings! Oh my fucking God! Run! Run as fast as you fucking can! Are your ears pierced? Your tongue is! Hypocrite! What?s worse, your roommate having tattoos or your prejudgment that he is a bad person because of it?
I?m not even going to tell you to get over your fear of the human body, wait, yes I am. Get over it, a human being should have the right to be naked in their own house. Have you tried politely mentioning to him that his nudity is offensive to you and you would prefer he kept it in his own room? I?m guessing not.
We live in a world. A world we share with about 7 billion other folks. Until you are in a position to afford your own place, you will need roommates. Your current attitude is not compatible with other human beings. My advice to you, get a shovel, dig a hole, live in it. And don?t invite anyone over for tea, ever!
And what the hell does his girlfriend being pregnant (or even alive as you made no other mention of her) have to do with anything?
Karen, this is the last thing I am going to say to you. ?Hooskie!?
Next:
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny? Who in the hell do you think you are? This poor person comes to you for advice. Never mind the fact that asking Jenny Jones for advice is about as worthwhile as discussing the theory of relativity with a group of drunk monkeys. As long as you offer up your services to people, give them fucking advice! Jesus Jenny! Karen needs your help. As stupid as she is even your help could be of some use. Now, I imagine you would just give him a roomie makeover, but even this putrid excuse for a solution might at least give the poor girl a false sense of normalcy for a few short hours. Christ! You just make an off the cuff remark! And its not even fucking funny!
Let me tell you something about comedy. For every woman, there are .98 males. 52% might win you an election, but it alienates half an audience. Men don?t like jokes about ex-husbands just as women don?t like jokes about ex-wives. Why don?t you ask Andrew Dice Clay where chauvinistic humor got him? Okay, a nice house in Malibu, but people still hate him!
Your so called joke not only pissed off all four men who actually read your shitty advice column, it wasn?t funny and Karen was left without the help she so desperately, desperately needed.
I guess that?s all. I can?t believe I just got through 3 paragraphs making fun of Jenny Jones without mentioning the words ?cancelled,? ?breast? OR ?cancer.? I don?t know how Metten will feel about my contribution to his legacy.
Oh alright!
Jenny Jones you are so stupid your fucking bullshit show got cancelled and you have breast cancer! Ha-ha!
Is that more like it?
See ya later in the week for an MMMM! You still have time for a submission. Late!