Mitchell's Multi-Monthly Meanderings
	MMMM 1222004 Pirate?s Treasure ? Missing Booty This week, a movie opened featuring the lovely actress Natalie Portman.  I won?t be seeing ?Closer,? a romance-drama also starring ?sexiest man on earth? Jude Law and the ?Pretty Woman? herself, Julia Roberts. As Obsessed as I am with Queen Amidala of the Naboo, that obsession has never transferred itself to the actress who portrays her.  Aside from being dragged to ?Cold Mountain? by my mother, I have not seen another of Portman?s movies. Those who know me may be familiar with my prior obsessions with Toni Tennille, Louise Mandrell, Alyssa Milano, Tiffani-Amber Theissen, Kari Wuhrer, and, of course, Morgan Webb.  Natalie, despite the tremendous advantage of Star Wars, never made that list. There could have been an instance, though, that would have brought me to the theatres this weekend. NATALIE PORTMAN NUDE!!!!!!!!! The rumors regarding this film on the internet and trade sources went rampant on this one.  At first, the word was that Portman set aside her religious and moral reservations to shoot nude scenes for the film. It wouldn?t be out of character for a stripper, after all. Next, the rumor shifted and had director Mike Nichols (HBO?s Angels in America) cutting (and subsequently destroying?!?!?) the scenes to protect Portman from her understandably rabid fan base. The latest word from Columbia is that the scenes never existed.  They were simply drudged up by the likes of ?Entertainment Tonight? and internet rumor sites.  You know, the scum of the earth?  Apparently we should all shut our little traps and stop being such pervs. Whichever, if any, of those rumors are true, I would?ve spent my hard earned cash on a ticket. So, like Larry Flint offering up a cool Mil for anyone who could dig up some dirt on a Washington Fat Cat, I have Eight American Dollars to dangle in front of any studio who can provide a motion picture displaying the nude body of Miss Padme Naberrie-Skywalker. If it?s George Lucas I?ll even pay ten!
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