Mitchell's Multi-Monthly Meanderings
	MMMM-Controller Wars ?Hey Mitchell!?  You say. ?Yes?? ?I really value your opinion on the various gaming controllers.? ?You?re in luck!?  I respond.  ?I just typed up my rankings of all the current controls available to today?s gamers!? ?Even N-Gage?? ?Fuck N-Gage!? Mitchell?s Multi-Monthly Meanderings first annual Controller Review So you?re wondering what gaming system to buy your friends and relatives this holiday season?  We used to be worried about things such as software compatibility, graphics, or online capabilities.  These issues are pretty much null and void now with few exceptions.  Okay, you can?t play Mario Cart on an X-Box, but you CAN play GTA now and arguing graphics on today?s uber machines is nit-picking.  That leaves only one factor.  Controllers.  I?ve played ?em all for thousands of hours and now bring you the comprehensive results based on ergonomics, learning curve, and functionality.  Or something. #1  Sony PS2 DualShock 2 Square, X, Triangle, Circle, R1, R2, L1, L2, R3, L3, Start, Select, 2 analog sticks, 1 D-pad. This has been the standard for controllers since it came out way back in the PS1 days.  No other console has ever carried over its controller from generation to generation.  The ergonomics are perfect, from child to adult, it?ll fit their hands.  The most buttons on a console, plus that warm familiar ?its 1997 again? feel make PS2 the far and away winner.  Expect to see the DualShock around until the PS9 invades our brains next decade. #2 Nintendo Gamecube (Nintendo Wavebird) A, B, X, Y, Z, L, R, R click, L click, Start, 1 analog stick, 1 C-stick (analog) one D-Pad. Nintendo took the awkward brilliance that was the N64 triple dildo, and evened it out into a DualShock clone.  It worked.  The buttons are different shapes, eliminating the need to ever look at the controller.   Even the analog sticks are shaped differently.  Nintendo also offers the only first party wireless controller.   This is a major plus.  Be forewarned, though, Nintendo does not have the functionality of the Sony unit.  In order to use R click and L click, you have to first push R or L.  Z is uncomfortable and there are no secondary buttons like R3 & L3.  These limitations in functionality put The Nintendo controller behind PS2. #3 PC input devices Keyboard, Mouse, Joysticks, Flight Sticks, Driving Wheels, etc. Ultimate functionality and almost limitless controls will never make up for such a steep learning curve.  I?m STILL caught hunting and pecking when I play PC games.  Sure there are some standard control sets involved, like WASD, but practically every PC game has its own control set so you have to relearn for each game you play.  Plus you have to spend hundreds in peripherals if you want to play a flight sim or racing game.  Unacceptable. #4 GameBoy Advance (GBA SP) A, B, Start, Select, R, L I have no idea how you play SNES ports without X and Y buttons.  Oh well, still better than X-Box. #5 X-Box A, B, X, Y, Black, White, R, L, Start, Back, 2 analog sticks, 1 ROUND D-Pad.  (I REPEAT, 1 ROUND D-PAD!!!) Let me ask you a question.  How the hell is Marshall Faulk supposed to juke you out if he has to TURN THE DIRECTION HE WANTS TO JUKE FIRST!??!!??!!??!!??!!   On all other platforms I can run right and juke left!  Plus the D-Pad is round!  What the fuck?  All my hot routes are messed up!  Plus the thing is huge, even the new ?small? version is too big for my hands.  Aren?t video games for kids?  Don?t even get me started on black and white.  Jesus, I have three unused fingers.  Put them on the shoulder where R2, L2, & Z are!  Christ!  Metten has a third party X-Box controller where black and white are on the shoulder where they belong.  Note to Microsoft, make X-Box II?s controllers JUST LIKE THE DUALSHOCK!  Retards. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.  Look for the 2003 Year in Review in January.
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