1.12.04
Second Annual Year in Review
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you?ve all been waiting for. Mitchell?s second annual
year in review episode.
This year was quite uneventful. There were no foreign enemies captured, Gubernatorial recalls or
missions to alien planets to talk about. So I had my work cut out for me. So after almost two
weeks of research into the year that?s over, you may now feast your eyes?
January
Lama Su and his aide Taun We of Clonaid, announce the birth of a second cloned human. An
ecstatic Jacque Chirac announces to the press that in 18 years, the new French clone army will finally
put an end to all ?surrender monkey? jokes by American stand-up comedians.
February
The Federal Emergency Management Agency, in cooperation with the Henkel Company, devises a
plan to have U.S. citizens stock up on duct tape. Fortunately, consumer advocacy groups such as
The Daily Show with John Stewart and Late Night with Conan O?Brien foil the plot.
March
President Bush declares March Irish-American heritage month. Now we can have 30 days of green
beer instead of one! Four more years!!!!
April
Christopher Guest releases ?A Mighty Wind? reuniting the three actors from ?This is Spinal Tap? for
the first time since that boat show in Cleveland last weekend.
May
Ted Turner, of Atlanta, GA, sells 60 million shares of AOL/Time Warner for $784,000,000.00.
Frank Turner, of Peoria, IL, sells 60 Topps baseball cards for $78.40.
June
A bunch of old people die, including Kate Hepburn and Strom Thurmond. No one worthy of an
MMMM, though.
July
Former pro wrestler Maxx Payne sues Rockstar Games for the use of his name. I?m not sure what
became of this suit, but Max Payne 2 came out in October.
August
Gigli. Insert your own joke here.
September
Avast Ye! Landlubbers across the country refuse to acknowledge Talk like a Pirate Day. Arrrrgh!
This made Mitchell very angry. You will all walk the plank for this. The Plank!!! I?ll see ye in
Davey Jones? locker!
October
The national do not call list goes into effect. I?m surprised, when my phone rings, to find out that the
list applies only to telemarketers.
November
In a publicity stunt worthy of The Gogs, Tenacious D goes on a grueling, 23 minute hunger strike. If
my math is right, that?s one minute for each copy of their DVD that was sold.
December
Full of ?Christmas Cheer,? Broadway Joe Namath hits on Suzy Kolber during a sideline interview.
In a press release later in the week, Namath apologized, stating ?I thought it was Armen Ketayun.?