Mitchell's Multi-Monthly Meanderings
		1.24.05
	Mitchell’s Multi-Monthly Meanderings 2004 Year in Review       You’ve waited a whole year, patiently watching the idiots and morons we share our world with fuck up, and speculating which events would make this year’s list. Well, close up the office pools, now’s the time to find out if your favorites made it. JANUARY       American liberals react to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police’s illegal search and seizure of reporter Juliet O’Neil’s home.  “Corruption and scandal from the Canadians?”  Said hippy-dippy radical Geoffrey “Moon Beam” Roberson, “Maybe I’ll transfer my Visa application to Mexico.  I hear Cabo’s nice this time of year.” FEBRUARY       During halftime of “The Big Game,” Mark-Paul Gosselaar rips the pants off Dennis Franz, exposing the cop show diva’s bare ass.  Working quickly, the FCC swoops in and executes both stars while simultaneously setting fire to ABC headquarters in New York and LA and arrests Disney chief Michael Eisner via USAPATRIOT definitions of terrorist acts. MARCH              NASA scientists attempt to explain to the American public how the discovery of methane could mean life on Mars.  The FCC, drunk with power from their Disney victory, fines the NASA channel $25 million for lewd content. APRIL       Oldsmobile closes up shop ensuring someday, someone will get their father’s last Oldsmobile. MAY       President Bush perpetuates Southern stereotypes of unintelligence and ignorance by delivering the commencement speech at Louisiana State University. JUNE       Ronald Regan outshines Bush’s speech from last month, and amazes the crowd at his funeral, by delivering his own eulogy. JULY       Stephen Hawking admits his position on black holes was incorrect.  To drown his sorrows, he orders a case of Cristal, and hires a trio of hookers.  Said Hawking in a press release, “After the show it’s the after party, after the party it’s the hotel lobby, ‘round about four you gotta clear the lobby, then take it to the room and fuck somebody. AUGUST       Olympic fever sweeps the US, despite the fact that McDonald’s didn’t give away any free ribwiches. SEPTEMBER       SpaceShipOne becomes the first private ship to make space flight, claiming the X Prize.  No jokes here, that’s actually really cool. OCTOBER              Cub fans cringe as Boston sweeps the World Series. Without the perennial crutch of a curse to fall back on, the talented Chicago team might actually be expected to win something.  On a related note, Carlos Beltran signed with the Mets this month. NOVEMBER       EA Sports releases “NBA Brawlers” a more accurate simulation of Pro Basketball lifestyles.  Game modes include album promotion, hand to hand combat, ranged combat, and rape cover-up/bribery.  Winning the game unlocks a secret code for a mini-game where you can toss a round ball through an elevated hoop. DECEMBER       In the shocking conclusion to the biggest news story of the year, some guy nobody’s ever heard of was sentenced to death for the murder of his wife, some girl nobody’s ever heard of.  In related news, people are convicted of murdering their spouses every day.
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